My first kiss

Suzy says if you've never talked abt it till today, why talk abt it when its dead? That 'dead' came like a hard punch on my face, she might have as well hit me, slapped me, punched me hard, why that!? I got so stuck on that dead that I stopped listening, speaking, responding, reacting to anything at all after that for a long long time, not even when Suzy left, crying, not even when I ate my dinner, not for a long time until I sat down to write again...
So the whole world thinks that its dead, why can't I just be a part of this world with respect to this dead thing, arrgh, or why can't I just go back to being live again. Yes, I wanted Tan, missed him badly today, right now, Why the hell can't he come back, just maybe one more time? And then... I cried loudly for a while, then I got all mad, dialled his number, got a 'number unreachable' response, cried softly, until I felt all empty. Heck, am getting desperate, mad and awful and the worst part is that I've totally lost my control, totally. Help!!! Should I call Suzy? No, Y not? she might be sleeping, oh! she wouldn't mind. Maybe I should simply cry and die alone...
But before I do that, I must just tell you about that one time Tan and me kissed. It was so sweet you know... He was like a frightened pup, oh that look that used to make a jelly out of my heart! So I held him tight for a long time after that, it almost seemed to stretch out to eternity, an eternity in which I dreamt a million dreams, of setting up our home, putting all his tons of books and CDs on a big brown book shelf, yeah i even imagined it to that great a detail, then how I'd have two more pups, frightened and coming to me to be held tight, and how I'd cook omelette and khichdi for us all, and how I'd... until Tan shook the silence with some stupid measurement of my heart rate! Trust him to bring us back to earth softly with silly measurements and facts and crap trivia, he always did it on our escapes to deeply intimate moments!!! Shit, if only I can tell you how badly I hurt right now, even as i write this, remembering that one tiny moment of immense joy and bliss...
I smile as I recall for a fleeting moment that Tan used to say love is over-rated and yet he would have to tell every sentence he spoke to just abt anyone and he would have to seek me out every day and he would have to be wished and prayed for by me and he would have to write about me! Heck, he might be the only one who ever wrote about me! And then I dont know what came over me, I breathed hard and fast for a few moments and quite unthinkingly went and punched my hand hard, real hard on the wall. It hurt so bad and I was so mad, heck am out of help's reach I guess!